well 214 in the morning and im not tired, probably because my sleeping schedule is all sorts of fucked up. wouldnt mind afternoon classes, most def not. its 2010. wtf! serously this year went by faster than any other year. it was also better than any other year ive ever had. totally unexpected, i remember being in florida last year, writing about how i didnt know what to expect. i wrote about that a lot. and then.. it was the best year. me and james had a good time in spring, me and my house were awesome and had a good time, i got te job in LI, had a solid month at home for home time and home people, then moved out to long beach and had the best summer of my life lifeguarding at TOH, then finished up and got to go to cortland a few times, camping with my mom, visited NH and then spain! i did everything i said i wanted to do. which is incredible.
its my last week in valencia. i probably am not going to be getting credit for b1, which is the entire reason i am here, but i also know spanish decently now. im trying to figureo ut where to go on friday, as i want to go skiing for a few days- brought my boots! and then head over to ireland for a few days as well, then head overrrrr to good old new yorkkk. i might work for sally, as her receptionist. and im taking biology mon and tues 630-930.
this is just a short jolted post.
oh yeaa went home for a week for xmas! way fun, surprising people who didnt know i was there. had to pay €20 for oversized luggage, and then they left it in boston (flight went from valencia to madrid nd then madrid to boston, boston to ny. oh well got it so it all worked out. got a bit too wasted at the clark family xmas that was at our house. alisons reaction when she was me was hilarious, uncle jimmys was pretty good as well. butit was nice. then mals, and was WASTED too wasted to like function, never been like that before. i also have to remind myself that i was incredibly jetlagged so that had something to do with it. it smowed as well, so i got to go sledding! went skiing on xmas day, oh yea had the lifeguard party the night before xmas eve that was fun too, stayed at morans house, antiqued steve jones then he dumped flour EVERYWHERE ridiculous, slept in the basement, mucho frio, and then stopped by mariskas for lke an hour or so and just rambled at her, then walked onteh beach for like at least an hour and a half. got some really good pictures, it was a very nice way to spend the day alone, i really liked it. the xmas eve, nice dinner, etc etc, made a ton of fires while i was home, adore the fireplace that i dooo, and yea, then.. valencia. new years eve was good, not worht the moeny i spent, made a ton of friends with random strangers but it was very fun, and was very lost a lot, and lost my bank card and tarjeta de tranvia. no bueno.
all right well its now 28 after, god i miss 28 groton sometimes.
oh yea have a new roommate replacing matt, nadia shes 18 from holland i like her very much very talkative and friendly, and suena from germany, not so great english but seems nice, is in my class.
okay hopefully next time i post ill have gone skiing and ireland and had an awesome time...? possiblyyyy?
es posibleee

all rightttt well i forgot livejoiurnal existed, as i tend to do oftenly. i feel like i shoudl be writing this in spanish.... i need the practice. but i dont want to, bc its too much work and its 1215.
i dont have all that much to say right now, ironically. probaby bc im in an awkward position to type. okay this is a little better, sitting up now.
computer broke, right at the same time that i got the flu last week. no bueno. having serious problems making every class. tambien, no bien.
classes are getting smaller and smaller. originally it was me, caroline from nz, johanna from switzerland, thomas andy and matt from england, wouter and florine from holland, and hashim from saudi. now its just me matt hashim florine and isabella, wouters last week. eventualy it will probably just be me hashim and isabelle. oh well. tomorrows friday, and ive only missed one day this week. i suppose i gotta take small steps.
3 weeks, counting it down. didnt go to the gym today, but i suppose i'll allow this to be my day off of everything. "'catchin my breath' is the term i use when the world gives up on me" sick quote from pepper.
getting the flu was good for me, sort of jumpstarted my system, ive been really godo with eating and working out. now i need to get back to studying more. realllllly wish i had my computer. so much easier to study online wtih my mom when i had it, and i was also doing so much writing. feels like a bit of a karma shot, although im not sure what i did to deserve it.
so todays thanksgiving, thats sort of why i decided to write here.
thanksgiving, a holiday we use now to give thanks to things we appreciate in our life, after having taken things that the native americans appreciated out of theirs. but that aside, i suppose i wanted to speculate on what id give thanks for, on a day made especially for it.
well i am in spain, courtesy of my parents paying for my education, and although i am not taking as much advantage of tmy time here as i suppose i could, i am getting an exeprience most ofther people would do a lot for, so i am thankful that i have parents who care about my education, and my life experince enough to provide me with this opportunity. i'm also thankful i have two people who love each other, and enjoy so much of what life has to offer as parents, role models, guides to show me how good life can be. having 2 people in my lfie that raised me to appreciate nature and things of actual value, like personality, empathy, knowledge, passion and creativity.
i also have to give thanks for them for having my sister, the most important person in my life. she has no idea what she means for me. i probably dont even know what she means to me, because theres just so much to it. she's such a deep person, with so many layers- the cutiepie, the evil creature, the little bouncy blonde babe who can be black, russian, peruvian, gollum... (whcih is the scariest thing, ever). she draws better than anyone i know, not because she's taken a lot of classe, but because she has such an imagination even the doodles she doe have a life, a personality to them that i dont think ive seen anywhere else. shes so cool and such a good person to everyone she meets, and tries so hard to be good for our society, our enviroment. even though we fight like theres something wrong with us, there isnt, and i'd have it no other way. i give thanks that she's alive and healthy every day.
all the people in my life are part of it for good reasons, and i try to be aware of how much i value them as often as possible.
i givet hanks for my own health, and for my life in general as well. although i dont think it's ideal, i have people who love me, i have my mind and body intact and fit, i have metnal prowess and creative ability, and the potential to do what i want with my life, although i have no goals, i am thankful for the options i have open to me, which i know i am not thankful enough for.
even when things arent working out, or not goin the way i want them to, i am always thankful, because i learn from everything, and as weird as it sounds, im thankful to all the assholes and shitty people in my life, because they helped me become this person i am today, and i generally like who that person is.
so yea. thanksgiving post, woohoo woohoo.

sooooooooo its september, annd my keyboard is way broken. little problemm when it comes to writing, but i'll manage.i have so far at last.
mmmmm. what to say what to say.
doing work crew, makin money driving around on the beach, moving equipment, washing it, eetc etc. its been real good weather the last few days so im totalllyy digging it. plus... startig at 9, getting a break at 10, then an hr off at 1, and my day basically ending at 415ish... totally down with that too. worked the tri this sat, was cool, weird as hell not being a participant. then had off sunday; parents came to visit for the first time all summer sunday- v nice.
havent been going out a lot, oot so much fun but even so, it doesnt matter much to me... bc i have the ocean. the ocean makes my life so much better. it really does. its healed me, its fulfilled me where i was lacking. i almost dont even want to go to cstate this weekend bc i dont wat to be so far away from it. which is weird, but its okay. i am pretttyyy excited to go to cortland... ! got a solid plan, i thinkk. it'll take about 3 hours to binghampton, where i'll visit steve and then party with kristen, then whenever i wake up i'm just gonna go straight to cortland

is a fucking great song. i suggest everyone listen to it. cherry poppin daddies are ill, swing will never get old, at least to me.
its funny how certain things just fall out of style? a certain word, a certain phrase, certain fashions suddenly just not what you can wear. i generally dont pay attention- even if i try i dont get it- bc i keep everytthing and use everything i buy, forever
i want this to be me "the blonde bombshell, destroyin men, her blue eyes are smokey like an opium den, but she giggles and blows you a kiss, then she'll whisper sweet nothings like a serpents hiss"
sadly though, i dont have smokey blue eyes,i dont destroy men and i have no idea what sweet nothings consist of. i wonder how you find that out? id def like to learn hah.
so things have been pretty excellent, still, even managing to out-top every night, even when i go out way more than i should- more than i should bc i am currently sick. got a sinus infection while at champs, literally in the few hours i was there, then it moved down to my throat/chest, where its fucking with my voice, and im coughing like ive got emphysema, which is the first cough ive ever had and it is totally less than fun.
another song i really enjoy singing, (im listening to it, and its the best song i can sing to), you were meant for me. i dont necc feel that way, at all, but my voice just matches it.
was at lido west the last 2 weeks, same crew, def liked it, back at lido, this time not with karen, which is awesome, but im so fucking sick i have to call out again, doctors asap. fucking sucks. hate it.
what a lame entry this is.
sleep, what a wonderful thing. the place i can go to learn about myself, my subconscious, my memories, parts of my future. ive been havng a lot of deja vu in the last few weeks, although recalling my dreams less; they have been more scattered and broken up instead of long stories. frustrating, but its okay. deja vu is interesting. it defnitely stems from dreams, and then that leads to the question of where do dreams stem from?
when your eyes close on the visions that this world offeres and mentally reopen as the darkness twists your thoughts into pictures, when your mind starts narrating what you belive you are seeing, when the story begins to thicken, try to pause and thibk about who you are? are you the same character as when you are awake? or are you another, of another form and mind, different history and new past?
i have only been myself a few times in my dreams. by a few, i mean less than 10. and figure i recall my dreams 4 out of 7 days a week... you do the math, because im too tired to.
ive stopped correcting people wen they use the wrong from of too and to, your and you're. i wonder why. do i care less or do i care more about being a bitch? not sure.
i still have no concept of how i come across. people i never thought had any interest in me apparently do, as i find out most of the time unsoberly. im always suprised that people regard me positively.
oh well.
enough rambling nonsensically. enough for now, in need of desperate healing.

that this summer has been the BEST one.
i am having a fucking blast. long island = probably the best move i could have ever done. the job is great- i cant even explain how happy it makes me to have gone thru rookie, to be on the beach 8 hours a day, to be an ocean guard. i do wish i had done it when i turned 16 but at the same time it is cool to be a rookie yet hang out with the older guards. older meaning not 16 lol.
its hard to not just be like YAY YAYAYAY bc thats pretty much how i am about stuff right now, but thats not specific or informative at all. had womens comp today in sandy hook- didnt gt to sleep at allll last night lol long night at champs then wherever the heck else i was. got 12 in the ironman/woman. felt awesome on the paddle, the force-field was way fun, real light and swift.
dont feel much like going out tonight but not sure what i want to do, bc im getting bored and its only 830. feels like i have glasses on my face... but i dont?
this isnt much of an update really. but whatever.
rookie party tomorrowwwww sweeeeeet, weathers supposed to be good...as it thunders now lol
annnd
CLARK PARTY SATURDAYYY. this weekend is my onlyyy weekend off all summer! solid. hell yes. gooood things.
"i gotta feeelingggg that tonights gonna be a good nighttt.. that tonights gonna be a good good nighttt
monday tuesday and wednesdsay and thursday, thursday friday saturday and sunday, party every day p-p-party every day"

thats my life. i like it.

well hello again. it's been awhile, like always, but here i am again. i kind of forgot i could write here too. it is a lot easier to write and ramble here than in an empty word document, just waiting to be filled.
i'm not very good at being empty right now. not sure what that means,but it feels true. i dont quite know what it means, because i know i am not- although ive been having trouble spilling my thoughts out the ways i used to, i still have them, and they fill me. not the ways i wish they would, with curiousity and thus words and ideas, but they are stll there, and feel more and more like they used to. i'm not good at answering the empty page's call. i am not good at answering what might be empty, missing, within myself. because i sort of know the answeer, and that is writing. i miss it more than a friend. i miss it as a compatible soul, a listener, a place of trust. do you know what it is like to miss finding out what you are thinking, how you feel about something? it is always such a surprise to find my fingers, my words, my nightly typings can elict such truth out of my mind.
to get back to some closer reality, or what seems closer to it, it's summer. and things are good right now. i still have to test, (and pass) the nassau lifeguard certification test, thats on saturday, and see if i get a job, and tell ringwood i cannot work for them this weekend just yet, but things are still good. summer is here, and i am happy. my hair is the right length again. aj said it really well- i wasnt very happy, and cut my hair, and it reflected how i felt. now i'm happy again, and my hair is long again, the way its supposed to be. i love that my hair is supposed to be long, waiting to be bleached by the sun. i wonder what i will be doing in a week, where i'll be. living in long island, with my aunt and uncle, in a totally new environment? - new, in the sense that i have never lived there, only visited- or still here, accepting my fate to work another year at ringwood, ltrying to find a way to entertain myself in suffern, learning the people i never had any interest or knowledge of before, training myself to focus on training for triathlons. who knows? i have no idea. but whats awesome is i am okay with that. james says that i should believe him when he says no matter what, i will end up happy. thats a crazy thought. how do you believe someone who may not even be part of my life, let alone my happiness? but i do, right now at least. and thats good enough. summer is here, and that means good things, no matter what.

to be honest, i have never tried it. because it's too scary. or maybe it was that i didnt want to get disappointed. bloody mary. in a dark bathroom, lights off, face the mirror, and repeat three times "bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary". none of my friends nor myself could ever say it more than 2x. i say that it was because we were scared, but to be honest there was always a feeling of something, pending, near, of not goodness. i think the true reason we never finished was because even if we didn't see anything in the mirror, we still were playing with something dark. conjuring up a tormented spirit does not spell "happy" or "good idea" to me anymore. i still think about doing it, saying it that last 3rd time... just to see what happens. but then again, i still don't want to tempt fate negatively. maybe someday.

i dont take enough time to flahs back, reflect on the time thats passed. i mean, we talk about what we did the other day, last weekend, maybe mention a story from a year or few years ago, but those are only small tiny pieces in teh time that has passed say, even from a year ago. how much has changed for me from a year ago? 5? 10?
10 years ago i was 13. 1999. whoa. the year of pre-Y2K. 8th grade, i believe? yea...that was the year of my birthday that the only thing i wanted to do for that day to celebrate was go to long island. that was when i missed my cousin allan, who was so freaking cool- he graduated from UVM, and just... did stuff. he traveled everywhere- livedi n CA and skiied with past olympians and partied wi them and survived on his job as a liftie, the guy who went to how many places in the pacific, indonesia, panama, puerto rico, just to surf, for years at a time. we got to long island, and it turns out he had come home the week earlier. i was so happy and surprised but at the same time disappointed, bc.. he wasn't super-warm to me, nor nearly as excited about seeing me as i was. on the way there, i listened to my new limp bizkit cd while wearing abercrombie- i was a bit late on that but i nor my parents had money to get anything from there earlier, and i wasn't huge into fashion so i didnt even know what id have bought. - i'm still not, i somehow can shop all over the place and still not have an idea of fashion or even what looks good on me-
5 years ago? 2004, finishing high school in the most half-assed way ever. i was dating dave at the time, for only a few months at that point, and he was what i decided to spend most of my time on. its funny, i think the reason i seemed so into him was because i had to focus, distract myself on one thing (which i still do now, to my disadvantage) and he was conveniently it, esp since there was a whole lot less crying and difficulties than my prior relationship(s). i do taht a lot. i let something insignificant overtake everything, and i occupy myself fully with that instead of what should be my really be my priorities- ie MYself hah. its a bad tendency, i do it with guys all the time. i let them become more important than they realy should be, because i cant let myself be the most important person in my life. im not comfortable with that. but yea. 5 years i was living the sendentary boring life of pre-college high school who didnt give a fuck about much.
and a year ago? senior in college. crying ever so often about the approaching end. drinking moer than healthy to live it up with the people who i took for granted that id always be able to live it up with, to party with. saying goodbye to a way of life, a chapter in my life.

ive always been distracted, waiting for another part of my life when its time to focus on another thing. i always have this idea that there will be an ideal time to focus on swimming writing, myself. i wonder when its coming. bc it hasnt happened yet, and im still waiting,and in a sense time is running thin.
now? i'm still unfocused, with time coming up on me to make decisions, and fly free, in a snse. i feel i'm more flying free, but into chains, of bills and responsibilities. they're slowly building in weight so my flight is burdened. the chapter of college is truly ending here, at cortland. i hopefully will not be living at my own home this summer, no because i dont like it but because i just... dont awnt to be in that same county, i'm tired of that life. hopeuflly a lifeguard somewhere else, live in my aunt and uncles house on long beach, forcing me to adapt to another way of life. no more 28 groton, college parties, smoking whenever i want, no more living with all guys, no more living in dirty dirty house, no more being a part of peoples lives here actively. saying good bye to my life being intertwined with so many people who i care so much about. its funny its such a weird form of caring... will our relationship ever really extend past my time with them here? probably not. no. but this weird innate understanding of them, of each other, i wont dont lose. but sadly, most of the people throughout my life do lose this with me. most people forget how i am, who i am, how i do whatever it is that i do.
but im not sad, i am but.. not actively thinking about it. had al ittle meltdown yestrday, but that was hormones making it come out, which i dont regret. we'll see what happens. the only thing i know is that i should know spanish before 2010. which is cool. :)
so yea. 1, 5, 10 years have passed. much more i could say but... ive other stuff to do.

Real life versus virtual life, I guess that's the question huh. As a writer, that's a difficult question. i mean... i feel i can be myself moer fully, properly, entirely, completely, without the stutters of speech and physical motion distractions, with words. are words virtual? in some ways, i suppose...but my true self is much more clearly portrayed with it. so i think its more of what is real? i'm not a philosopher, i'm not about to start discussing what reality is, but in terms of myself...
i believe it comes back to my dreams. i am rarely myself- literally, i never look like myself, i do not have the same past or history, same name. i am fully the person i occupy, and comfortable in it. my dreams are very realistic, very

unfinishedddd,

Being lazy. unmotivation allowance is one thing i let go, and allow to take advantage of my time. i don't really have a problem with anything else in my life but not doing anything. my being lazy eats hours of time i could be doing something- working out, writing, creating, thinking, studying, exploring. but i do none of it, i put it all off. i wonder if i'm scared or something. not sure of what, but of ... living? i let doing nothing steal all my time, and its an indulgence that is so negative i wish there was a way to get past it. i'd consider taking an expensive drug if it was guaranteed to not fuck me up and let me do what i actually wanted to instead of the nothing i don't want to do.
i understand lent, i get it, but if you have such a vice in your life that can be taken out, why not do it for yourself instead of your religion? your religion usualyl wants the best for you, thats why you believe in it, so why dont people do it earlier? i mean i guess ideally thats why nuns and monks are pure people, ideally with no vices, but thats unrealistic... although hey, i could be wrong, ive never been one, but as humans we're all flawed, right? we all have these little human reactions and nuances that make us the race that we are, the only race that stutter and has to fight and ruin ourselves instead of having a natural predator to fight against. so i guess the question is if we can give up our flaws and vices for a month, why not give them up completely? if we can survive without them for that long, why not push it and try harder? have real faith in ourselves?
i'm not a religious person, so it's different perspectives, obviously, but its not really about my faith or your faith, but strength in it... part of lent is about having faith you will survive, as jesus did, or for jesus (not sure which)... but in teh sense that we are trying to better ourselves... 40 days is not that long, in terms of a lifetime; even three years, 120 days is not even half a year.
but anyway. i would give up letting boredom and laziness getting the better of me. i would stop letting nothing be the majority of my life, and make it something. i think that would appease any deity, even if i did not succeed; the effort was to better myself as a person and individual human being is a worthy pursuit. (and with this thinking, thus philosophy was born...)

my morning?
absolutely nothing enjoyable or needing comment.
yet i plan it out at night, step by step, as though something might change or alter it.
nothing ever does
i set two alarms, one for a regular person who would give themselves more than enough time to have a relaxed morning, which if i named it, would be called the snoozer... and another one, for when i really seriously immediately need to get out of bed and move.
after managing to put my contacts in while being blind and not being able to actually see the contact in the case, i check my computer, which basically means deleting email i dont want.
then i try to get dressed before peeing myself, and hopefully i set my clothes out for the next day, else the dresser ends up on the floor, and i inevitably forget something little that ends up being vital in my days smooth progression...still not trying to pee on myself... quick run to the bathroom to relieve my urinary tract and my stinky breath ( i steal someones toothpaste) and then run to my room to grab my jacket, go to run out, realize im not wearing shoes, find those, go to leave, realize i forgot my bag, and then run to my car. Recently, i keep forgetting its winter and there's a whole lot of snow to clean off... then I get to where I'm going. Late. Barely late... but always.
thats not a very exciting morning. figured id get my life out on paper, thrilling or not.

donovan frankenreiter band, free. graves is in roys room across the hall. criminal gloves on, chilling erica style. not exactly the same as it was, actually nothing like it, yet i feel the same peace and enjoyment in this moment as i do reminiscing on good times passed. the words are flowing off my fingers, thoughts drfting past my minds eye the same way the voices across the hall float around my hearing. the wines still in the bottle and thats the way it will be drank, gum in my pocket and wallet in range

unfinished thoughts

i dont really feel like writing but i am anyway, so hello. the computer is warm on my lap, and my handwarmers are working in my pockets, and my boots are keeping my feet warm, but im still cold. started getting frostbite on my cheeks during my first lesson today, but its okay. i really do love teaching. i wish i was better with protocol and bullshit, because... id probably want to be a teacher. im already a coach, and its what i want to do. its hard to survive as only a coach, esp a young, female, blonde one. i dont really know meet rules or scoring, and im not sure how to plan a taper. but i know swimming, i love swimming, i love sharing it, and i love helping people be the best they possibly can be.
and i just noticed my f2 key is missing. wtf? that wasnt missing when i typed on the computer... 7 hours ago. how odd.
i am considering going into the coast guard. but i dont think i can go into anything, because of my eyes. my vision. i say that i wmight want to go into it because... i need to do somethign to challenge myself, physically, i need to do something for a few years that... i dont know. thats more than just about myself i think. peace corps is too much, too long, too far. i cant handle years away. what if i dont like where i get stuck ofr a few years? if im in a governmental thing its not going to be years. months perhaps but not 2-3 years.
i dont know though. i dont have any idea. but im not worried i had probably the best day of my life yesterday, and i'm very ... happy with it. i dont expect every day to be as good, but the fact that i can have a day so happy that i spread it to other people, strangers, just by a small comment or wave.. i am so happy with that.
good things.

i always write here when i've nothing to say. which is interesting, because i end up with a solid paragraph at least, every time, and i dont usually have much to say. i guess that means i'm good at writing about nothing... or something like that.
2009 2009, what do i say about 2009.
its fucking weird as hell that its 2009, is one thing to say. ive never ever thought past 2008- that was the be-all, end-all year. a summer olympics to never even seriously try to train for, graduation from college, real life... and here i am, graduated yet not officially done (fucking spanish can go the same route latin did), still at cortland, still not grown up or anywhere near it, still not even close to olympic training status (ha not even anything status)... and its 2009. time seems to move by at odd rates. it slows, it goes, it speeds, and it never ceases for anything or anyone. i got my first age-lines. they're from my smile. crazy.
ski job, first day was yesterday, went well. not super duper good but well. im happy with it. my knee hurt by the end but not terrible and hopefully the naproxen and advil will help stave off the pain. got james a sweet plush robe for xmas that he cant touch bc hes tweaky about weird things so im lounging in it right now. its pretty freaking sweet. miss stacy, i miss break. bummed that i never got to practice fighting at phils, and bummed i didnt get to see a few people again before i left. ive no idea when im even going to be home. craaaap i just realized i forgot to cancel my eye dr appt for tomorrow.. ill have to call them and tell them im sick. hopefully my words wont come true, i was already sick last week, but feeling a little unwell right now. it is nice to be back, but i wish i had better shoes for the snow that dont get wet immediately and arent boots. ill have to work on that.
the clark party, first winter ever, went fabulously. fucking great party. very happy with it. not so happy with my monetary status at all, financially im fucked, but ... i guess its a work in progress.
im going to go lie down in this sweet-ass robe and read the stupid wheel of time books that i love adore cherish need that eat all my goddamn time.

a good night. its late, i dont ahve much to say, but i had a great night. being aroudn good people, meeting good people to share good times, good laughs, good or bad drinks, good conversation.. i cant complain. its weird being home, but not so bad. i think im at a good place in life, and im totally okay with that. i should write more seriously, blah blah, write write, but i'm okay with just chilling. i havent stayed up this late in ages. i wonder who my audience is, who i'm talking to. bc i know i forgot about this shit, and anyone who does read this, i wonder who you are, and why you havent forgetten about this journal thing.
like i said, not much to say. so goodnight.

Current Mood: relaxed

wooow. so it's been awhile. a lot while. i dont remember the last time i wrote. nor do i care. im sure its so long ago that everythings changed so much it's njot worth comparing life from then to now.
right now, alone in the house- everyones on the bus to florida. if an incredibly unexpected thing hadnt happened, i'd be sad and jealous... but.. tobin asked me to go on training trip. absolutely not what i expected at all, never in life. i hope it's good. i think it will be. but idk. lots of drama between me and the one person who's upset about me going. not drama persay, but personal quiet drama. i get to coach and swm a practice. ordered bathing suit and goggles mailed there. pissed that joelle has my bathing suit that i never got to wear. ugh. and i'm still here because i have ski coaching clinics, because i finally, actually got the job i'd been vaguely talking/speculating idly about. ski instructor at greek peak. so everyone's gone because finals are over and break has begun, but i needed to get these clinics done so i could keep the job. i hope tomorrow more fun than today, more skiing to be gotten done. i'm so sick of my feet getting so cold. it's ridculous. somethings squeaking when i type, which is weird. watching pulp fiction. great movie. only bad part about not taking the bus and flying down monday is that i dont get to catch up on all my movies. but not that upset over it, since i get to eat not-fast food and sleep in a real bed. and ski tomorrow instead of sitting on a bus.
so.. december 2008. i never thought past 2008. ever. it was the year to graduate, the year to get to, the year of another summer olympics i wasnt close to, the year where life changes. boy is that accurate. i'm okay with it happening because it was a transitional year i guess, full of more changes and more events occuring that i never foresaw or expected that i'm not sad to see it go. i have no preconceptions of 2009. i never thought about it. all i know is that i have to take a lot of spanish til mid-summer, and i'm not working at ringwood. which is rough because its money i desperately will need. desperately need now. although i actually have 2 jobs, which is really weird to say. never happened before. hah. coaching swimming, instructing skiing. not too shabby at all.
so. 2008. a year of subtle and obvious losses, and hard lessons learned even harder. i lost writing, swimming, my social base, a secure relationship, my official undergrad career. and now? now i'm a super senior, almost instructor, ymca coach, only girl in the guys house ever, unwriting writer, soon to be swimming but out of swimming shape swimmer... i'm happier than i was. the beginning of fall was terrible. all of fall was, honestly. obama winning was when thigns got turned around for me. not that he changed my life, but it was at the same time as i finally faced up to my problems, in school and life, instead of trying to just accept them and ignore them bc i had to.
this is a long post just full of rambles. but it is better than no post at all. "its unfortunate that what we find pleaing to the eye and to the touch is seldom the same". random quote from pulp fiction.
maybe ill update after florida. thats a good goal.
good ramble. i could probably go on for another 5 paragraphs about absolutely nothing.

and helloooo again. i'm back for anooother update on the not- incredibly eventful life of erica clark.
last time i was all h appy and whatnot with my classes and life. not much has changed, except i'm not happy with my classes as much lol. my internship guy is a dick and is like im going to not send you work because we hired someone else bc you arent doing work bc i'm not sending it to you (yea.. .explain that to me, i dont get it either) sent him an email a few minutes ago expressing my displeasure at the situation. w/e. grammar is LAME as fuck, i havent shown up for class in weeks, but got all the work done so thats good. got some sort of paper-thing due this week, but i've no idea what its on or anything so i have to get on that.
and the rest of life? it is good. swimming goes reallly really really well and then something happens, but such is life when you're incident prone. i finally figured out what my lats are, so that might change some stuff. who knows. the team is a lot of fun this year. i dont know ifi talked about raquette lake or not but yea. relaly like the team.
v.v happy w the 'love life'. "i'm a sex addict! its a fucking curse!' hahahah i crack myself up, me and my lameosity.
i cant think of much more of anything to say. writings going really well, dont do as much of it as id like but thats just bc i have some semblance of a 'life'.
stacy coems up this weekend. clark sisters reuniteeeeeeeed. she hasnt been up at ALL this semester so thats gna be exciting. nor has she drank since the clark party!!!! eeeeeeek. going to be wiiiiild.
okay, more later. or someday. hah

Current Mood: mellow

sooo guess who's bacckk. sort of, maybe, who knows for sure. can't really tell when it comes to me. its been a long while, 15 weeks, whatever that means. numbers mean so much and so little when it comes to time. i think the last time i wrote was while i was in florida, which was a great experience, for all that i was as cut off from the world as i've ever been while asleep. excellent excellent writings came out of it, entirely sober, so that was good. the rest of the summer went well, lifeguarding like i love to do, worked with my sister, who i love to death...had the ...5th? or 6th? annual clark party which went down amazingly fun.
now.
now i'm back in school, back to cortland, back to 'reality' or this current version of it.
and things are good. i'm very happy generally; classes i'm taking 3 real ones and an internship that is a lot of work but i don't really do it when i need to because there is never a due-date, but it all gets done. swimming is going excellenttlyy i'm swimming a whole lot faster, at least in practice, and i'm in pretty good shape. it's a very nice feeling to feel fit.
i go up and down a decent amount, but i can't complain i guess. little down now bc of hormones but since i'm aware of it i can generally sort of control it. ha or so i trick myself into thinking.
can't wait to see my sister... i havent seen her since august 25. way too long. i talk about her like its my job and miss her like crazy. also miss mhairi, as i havent seen her in ummm yea whats that, oh yea over a YEAR.

other updates, i'm seriously considering staying at cortland... and adding a outdoor recreation major. which would mean i'd be here for at leeeast 1.5 yrs. not sure if i can handle that, esp without swimming, which i NEED.
for now, thats it. peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Current Mood: content

so... its summer..! doesn't really feel like it, although it should, as its already jesus, june 20, almost june 21. maybe its because in elementary school, summer didnt start till like june 27, or maybe because lifeguarding, it didnt get busy till mid june, and i'm not there.
so, two weeks of swim camp almost done, and its weird. its a good time although i'm pretty lonely and bored as hell. but its good experiences, lots of coaching, i'm one of 4 coaches, which is really frekaing cool but i'm just beat. day goes: wakeup 715, dryland, swim from 9-11, then i practice from 11-1 or so, then another practice for them 1-3 then some stupid activity, and then i'm done at 9-930ish and that leaves the whole night to myself....to do nothing at all with myself.
don't have a lot to comment on right now, guess i'm in the middle of figuring out myself and whats going on, but who knows. i miss home and i miss summer life. and people. oh yea and sober as fuck here. tired right now, maybe more soon hah.

Current Mood: tired

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
id do that again but i dont think it would be worth the finger energy.
I.... am sad right now.
sad because i've been so happy and because its ending and because i dont know what the hell im doing with myself and.... just so much. i can't handle thinking, realizing, having to accept that junior year is over. and i know, imagine next year. thast the problem. this is the first year that i realize that im not ever goign to come back and live here, im never goign to have this year ever again- its gone. and i dont do endings, i dont believe in them, i believe there is always a sequel. and sure, there is. but not in this place, not in this room, not in this apartment, not at the same time in any of our lives. i saw how fast time can move and how hungry it is, and i feel so powerless and helpless and... "cause as long as i believe, i can breathe". this year has been so important, so impactful on me, and i cant get over the idea that this semester, that has changed me so much, is done. done. done.
from january- florida training trip bus kyle sad unknowing of what im doing crying possibly escaping talking with coach deciding on staying last night of drinking tequila patron splitting my lip on the wall 3rd ticket in 4 months upd in my yellow jacket on the highway kyle leaving us ending broken me us up losing weight almost not swimming but swimming sunyacs and succeeding starting to write again living again classes again trying halfheartedly turning 21 technology and philosophy media communist/capitalism writing so much observations laughing meeting people spring break florida decisions beach seafood legal alcohol imbibing relationship with mary jane then breaking her spell so much writing so many inspirations and ideas swimming world soap opera drama old friends coming back again cutting people off and out visiting sister a lot trouble over there but happiness and love too talking more with friends more time to be spent bonding learning classes winding down spring reborn rebirth happiness and warm weather sun thrills bars no money but so much sociality differentiation of selfassignments and reallife assignments friends becoming best becoming so intertwined drunk sober high down sleeping waking to calls from each other waking up to randomness to open windows and my fan on water bottles alcohol bottles everwhere clothes scattered blankets thrown all over tie dye keeps fluttering on the walls books everyhwere mostly untouched burnt out by so much observing and writing but the memories and the times and the tears and the inredible fun ridiculous experiences and bondings and experiments mental and some physical and for all the summer yearning and home desirings theres no place id rather be and now i know that ive found the place i want to be and reality hits and i know my appreciation is unspeakable for where my life has taken me.


that was fun, needed and probably confusing as hell. i cried for like an hour before, i didnt know why at first but it was just everything. scared, sad, sad because i'm happy and sad because i'm a little lost. not thinking about the future so much but its coming just as fast even tho i dont acknowledge it. the future is freaking here. and it jsut keeps coming. i dont know how im supposed to pack my room up. i got 3 garbage bags so far filled, and i havent touched my closet, my shoes, my books or desk or floor area, or under my bed...i have 2 chairs to bring back, i have to pout my skirack back on my car to drive it back and my rug. then i have till june 6th and i leave for orlando florida june 7th to work there for 5 weeks at this swim camp...come back july 13 and leave for cortland july 14-20ish, then maybe syracuse to visit for a few days, then... home. maybe lifeguarding at ringwood if they need me... and then its august. then its august 24, stacys birthday and then its back to school. back to school, last fall semester.....i shake my head. where the hell am i going and what the hell amd i doing to get where "there" is. all right.
so this was a venting post. thats all right, im okay with that.
philosophy papers due monday, family picnic saturday, last ngiht out saturday night, maybe home tomorrow friday to g et help on the papers, drive back to go out, tuesday astornomy, first last and only final- ive managed to only take one final every single semester. incredible, eh? i say yes it is. then home probably that afternoon.
all right, gonna see what i can get done with the next hour and a half. good times. <3